Your Main Is Trash
by thewhitepatch
Summary: Because of his experience managing The Shepherd, a group of uniquely strange soldiers from around the world. Robin has been tasked with managing The Smash Brothers, a group of uniquely strange fighters from around the multiverse. At least this time, he's not doing it alone…(A soft reboot of Decruited, a hard reboot of Smash Cut)
1. Mario

_I'm going to cross post this with Decruited and Smash Cut, but here's the first chapter of Your Main is Trash!_

"There is a lot that could be said about you, Mario. You're boring, you have no character, and you're the embodiment of an all-consuming corporate powerhouse bent on financial gain." said Robin to the portly plumber sitting on the other side of his desk.

"That's-a-me! Mario! Wahoo!" exclaimed Mario with a jubilant obliviousness.

"There are moments where it's less about being true to you as a character and more about putting you on things to make money. You're not as bad as, say, Pikachu or something, but still. It's not that there isn't anything good about you, but your goodness has become a tool for others to use for their own devices. And as a culture, I don't think we're fully prepared to explore the implications of the fact that you are a somewhat offensive Italian stereotype." said Robin.

"Mama mia!" exclaimed Mario.

"And yet, I can't bring myself to resent you." admitted Robin. "Maybe there's a part of me that feels like I should since I'm admittedly one of the more obscure characters on the roster. You could say that about most of my fellow anime sword people. But you're just so universally likeable. Seeing you in your element, or even out of your element, it just brings a spike of joy in my heart. I've seen some terrible things, Mario. I've fought wars. I've had to make choices that got people killed. I'd like to hold onto that joy wherever I can find it. I find it in my wife, in my child, in my friends. And, for some reason, I find it in you."

"That's-a-something! Do you want to-a talk about it?" asked Mario.

"Nah, I just wanted to let you know how I felt." replied Robin. "I like letting people know where I stand with them. It cuts out a lot of bullshit."

"Neato! So why-a-did you ask-a me to come-a-here?"

"Due to my experience in managing large groups of weirdos, I was... _assigned_ the job of providing resources to the various Smashers. The powers-that-be figured that they should cover their bases since they're having you fight for their amusement. It could be an HR nightmare."

"Are you-a HR?" asked Mario.

"It's one of the hats I wear. Although I am more of a hood guy." Robin replied.

"And-a-you have some-a-sort of confidentiality with-a-people talking to-a-you?"

"Yes...Mario, is there something wrong?" asked Robin, leaning in concerned.

Mario leaned in as well and lowered his voice.

"I am so out of my fucking depth here." hissed Mario, obnoxious Italian accent dropping into a thick Brooklyn accent. "And I have been out of my depth for a very long time."

"...What." uttered Robin. "Why...do you sound like that?"

"I started doing the Italian voice when I got to the Mushroom Kingdom because I thought I was tripping out, and I haven't found an out. Dealing with Bowser is easy. It's always the same deal with that bozo, no matter how you dress it up. But then shit comes up like demons under ports? I died once and jumped my way out of Hell! I've been to space! I've possessed things! I'm just a plumber from Brooklyn!"

"And don't get me started on this interdimensional shit. I can beat up things I'd never take on before, and now I can cause explosions and fire with my hands. I can't even begin to list how many nightmare we have just casually walking around. That big purple freak that straight-up murdered Samus's parents. That sword person that turns into a dragon, but not all their parts. So they got a dragon mouth on their arm or whatever. And that 'World of Light' shit? Forget about it!"

"Um, actually, the writer hasn't beaten World of Light yet, so if you could avoid spoiling it." interjected Robin.

"I don't gotta spoil shit. All that's important is that giant beam of that obliterated me. I saw some of you fighting back, but what was I supposed to do? Jump on it? People were dying! Only we didn't die! I could feel that golden ooze drip all over me, every time it made a copy! A guy's gotta tag out at some point, and that's where I wanted to. But no, Kirby saved me and kept pushing forward. Only reason I didn't run then was that there was nowhere to run. Also some bullshit: fighting possessed clones of yourself, sometimes with different versions of you own spirit inside of them! Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had a different soul when I was playing tennis or made of paper! And what? I was made of paper? And what about that doctor clone of me? It's like my Mama designed me in a tube, only instead of a plumber, doctor!"

"I...I don't know what to tell you, Mario." admitted a flabbergasted Robin.

"Is there at least a way I can go home? Check up on some relatives? Maybe get an actually good slice of pizza for once? I once thought I made it back to New York, but then it turned out to be some crude parody, like the universe was trying to do me a favor. New Donk City. Populated by a bunch of weird mannequin people and my ex-girlfriend. All it did was remind me of how much I've lost. Plus, the pizza was trash."

"I'll...I'll let you know if anything comes up."

"You better." said Mario, and he leaned in so close that his large nose was touching Robin's. "Because I've been faking this for years, and I don't know how much longer I can do it." With this, Mario inhaled sharply and loudly through his nose. The distorted, despite look on his face morphed back into the happy-go-lucky plumber. "Looks-a-like you've got a lot on-a-your plate, Robin! I'll-a-get out of-a-your hair!"

"...Yeah. I do." Robin said, shaking his head.

"Yeah-ho!" With a cartoonish boing, Mario jumped out of his chair and gleefully jogged out of the room.

"This is on me. I thought this would be easy."


	2. Isabelle

Isabelle hadn't done a job interview for a while, which was fine since she wasn't even sure if this was an interview.

She looked at her resume, which was starting to get a little damp due to her sweaty palms, well, pads. She hadn't bothered putting down any of the retail jobs she had before becoming the Mayor's secretary. None of those seemed like they would apply to this position, as far as she knew. However, this meant that she only had one job on her resume. She went into extensive detail of the various skills and responsibilities associated with the position but was still nervous about how it would look.

Isabelle was delighted when she heard that someone was looking for a secretary. Granted, she wasn't sure who was looking for one or what department. She wasn't even sure if there were different departments within the Smash Brothers. She was just glad to have the opportunity to do something other than fighting, something she was familiar with.

Smash was more fun then she thought it would be, but she hadn't taken to it like the Mayor did. He could hold his own among the best of them, to the point where people thought his easy smile was a mask for something darker. As long as she approached these fights with a genuine enthusiasm, everyone would have a good time! Still, she didn't fight with the same tenacity as the Mayor...

Isabelle shook her head. "I can't compare myself to the Mayor! He's the coolest, most adaptable person around! I have to do this my way! They wanted me for Smash, they're going to want me for this too!"

Isabelle caught her reflection in the door. There wasn't anyone else around (maybe they had already interviewed? Had she gotten the time wrong?), so she stood up on her chair and looked herself in the eyes.

"You are capabele! You are wonderful! You are the best secretary around!" she exclaimed, pumping herself up. She could see her confidence boost, the fiery passion in her eyes well up with the desire for success and productivity.

As her eyes adjusted, Isabelle saw past her reflection and saw a different pair of eyes, looking at her in confusion. She yelped in surprise, falling off of her chair and knocking it to the floor. As she scrambles to gather her knocked-over items and pick up the chair, the door opened.

"Hey," said Robin.

"Hi! Um, Hi! I'm, I'm so sorry! I hope I wasn't disturbing you or anything!" exclaimed Isabelle, picking herself up. She offered her best apologetic smile.

"You did," said Robin, causing Isabelle's anxiety to shoot up to enormous heights.

"O-Oh…Are you...here for the interview..?" As she asked the question, Isabelle realized how in trouble she would be if he said yes. Robin must be a better secretary then her, considering that he worked with royalty! If he was interviewing for the job, she was completely out of luck!

"Interview?" he asked. "What interview?"

"I got a message yesterday saying that some department was looking for a secretary, and since that's sort of my area of expertise, I figured I would throw my hat in the ring! Well, I mean I don't wear a hat, but still!" rambled Isabelle.

"Oh," said Robin, and then, as if he understood something. "Oh. No. No, thank you. I don't need one."

With that, he promptly turned around and shut the door on Isabelle. A few seconds passed before the door reluctantly opened.

"Five minutes." said the white-haired man. "If you don't convince me in five minutes, I'm passing on you."

Isabelle nodded enthusiastically, giving him her brightest eyes.

"Please don't. I'm a professional."

"Right. Right, Professional." Isabelle followed the tactician into the room. She was always a little more anxious around characters like Robin, who carried this sort of intensity that fighters like her didn't have. He was apparently a war tactician, after all, so it would make sense that he was a more serious person…She couldn't think like that! Her work was serious too! Sure, it didn't immediately affect weather or not people died, but it still mattered to people!

"I have to apologize. I think my wife may have sent you. She checked out my office the other day and saw how much work I had to do, and insisted that I try to get some help. I told her that this was all manageable. Sure, there are more fighters here then soldiers that I've managed in the past, and they range from animals to people to plants, but I got this. She tried sicing her dad on me, but Chrom is even less organized than me! Hell, it's my job to keep him organized! If I need help being organized, then what does that say about him?" ranted Robin, leading Isabelle to his desk.

"You wife?" Isabelle asked.

"Lucina," Robin replied. "Chrom is my father-in-law and best friend. We have a daughter." Robin pointed to a picture on his desk of a blue-haired girl in a cloak like Robin's standing on a tall stack of books with a panicked look on her face. "This was taken right before she fell," he added with a smirk.

Isabelle looked at the picture, and then brought up her mental image of Lucina. She had always assumed that Lucina was somewhere around her age, even potentially younger. It got confusing trying to figure out the ages of fighters. People like Roy could be 15 while Pit was hundreds of years old. Was Lucina one of those people? And what about Chrom? Even if he was older then he looked, he didn't look like a grandfather!

"Time travel," interjected Robin, cutting off any other questions Isabelle had. "I could see the gears turning in your head. Your time started a minute ago, by the way."

"O-oh!" exclaimed Isabelle. "Well, alright! I've been a secretary for the mayor of Smashville for a while now, I have experience in-"

"I don't care about your experience." interrupted Robin. "I have enough to make up for any experience you might not have. I am, after all, a master tactician. I need someone who can keep up with me. And, from the looks of it, I think you might be too ditzy to do it. Sorry, dog, but you aren't the best in this show." He paused. "Hmm. I hated that. Hold on, let me think of a better one. Three minutes, by the way."

Isabelle was in full panic mode at this point. Robin was right, there was no way someone like her could keep up with him! Her world was a world of peace and community and cute little animals, while he was from a world of war and bloodshed and nasty things! What could she bring to the table?

She stopped herself from having a full panic attack by breathing deeply. She had to treat this like another problem to solve. It was like planning Nook's birthday party or figuring who could use the town hall on certain days. Take away all the war stuff, all of the experience, all of the master tactician stuff. What was it that made her a great secretary? Solving problems. So what was the problem here?

She quickly glanced around the office and wanted to kick herself. Of course! It was so obvious!

"You don't like office work, do you ?" She quickly said, dragging the man out of his thoughts.

"What? I mean, I can do it." Robin said. "It's sort of necessary. Kind of weird how necessary it is for a place like this. You'd think everyone would track down their skills through fighting or whatever, but nooooooo, I have to know about all of Lucas's allergies or Kirby's dental history."

"You can do it, but it doesn't look like you're good at it." She said confidently. The glare Robin sent her way almost punctured her false bravado, but she knew she was right.

"I'm good at it." He protested. "I'm just still adjusted to this office."

"What's that giant stack?" asked Isabelle, pointed to the large stack of files on Robin's desk.

"They're files on every stages, fighter, items, all that jazz."

"And it's easy to look through?"

"Yeah."

"Prove it. Pull out my file."

" _Pull out my file!_ " mimicked Robin in a high pitch voice, then stood up and started picking through the stack. It took a few minutes, during which Isabelle was treated to a few annoyed grumbles and one or two words that would never be said where she came from.

Eventually, Robin made a triumphant explicated and grabbed a file from the middle of the stack. Isabelle knew what was going to happen next, and it was all part of her plan, but she didn't feel any less bad about it.

For his part, Robin didn't go scrambling to pick up the fallen papers. He stood there, a deadpan look on his face. Isabelle didn't want to ask how long it had taken him to organize those files.

"...And how would you do this, pup?" he asked, turning his eyes toward Isabelle.

"For starters, it might help to convert all of these to digital, but beyond that, a filing cabinet can do wonders!" she suggested with a cheery smile.

Robin knelt down to Isabelle's level, looking her head in the eye with an expression she felt was reserved only for war.

"...If you want to do this, I have to warn you: I run a pretty tight ship. We've got over eighty people to manage, not to mention any other extra business that comes up along the way. Things are gonna get weird, and I'm going to need you to be able to keep up. We might run out of ideas midway through, so you may have to pull some creative weight. It always helps to have a different perspective, but I need to know if you can keep your cool. Can you do that?"

Isabelle looked into the man's eyes. Even though he had so much more experience than her, she knew she had what it takes. She just had to keep up at a different pace.

"I was born ready!"

Just like that, it seems like a flip had switched inside of Robin. His faced relaxed to an easy smile, and he immediately stood up and started walking out of the office.

"Great! Now clean all of this up. It was a clever trick playing my ego like that, but I need that info organized. Consider this your first lesson: always remember your actions have consequences. I learned that after a few deaths, so count yourself lucky it's only paper. Oh, and could you also grab me a coffee? I don't know all those fancy drinks they make, but I'm partial to chai." He took to bossing her around like a fish to water. Robin threw the keys to the office behind him, expecting Isabelle to catch them. She did, after some fumbling.

Isabelle looked at the mess in front of her. This was going to be something. It was her personal Ridley, but she was Samus, and this office was her space ship, and her dress was her power armor, and her organizer was her arm cannon, and her need to succeed was her dead parents…

Ok, maybe comparing a stack of messy paperwork to a genocidal orphan maker wasn't the best comparison, but still, she was ready to go!


	3. Samus

"I have an HR complaint," said Samus.

"Hold on, did you make this appointment as 'Samus' or 'Zero Suit Samus?'" asked Robin. "Because we've got chapter slots open for both and I don't want to use all our material here."

"What? No, just me?" replied Samus.

"Because you count as two fighters. It's weird, but don't worry, it's fine. So, HR complaints. Is this one also about Wario?" said Robin, as he looked through the drawer in his desk.

"No. How many complaints do you have on Wario?"

"Oh, countless. I can't tell if it's more or less disturbing that none of them are sexual. So, what's your problem?"

"Ridley," she replied with a scowl.

"What did he do?"

"He murdered my parents!" exclaimed Samus.

"...Did he murder them recently?" asked Robin.

"No! He killed my parents, and now I have to see him hanging around here! Do you know what it's like doing your laundry and then having the space pirate who personally slaughtered your family ask you for some spare quarters?"

"It's kind of weird they have quarter machines here. Also, he doesn't wear clothes. What is he washing?"

"I didn't ask!"

Robin leaned in, trying to get to Samus's level, which didn't work how he thought it would since she was taller than him. "Ok, look, I get it. I understand this is an issue for you. I'm a father myself, so I know how close parents and children can be. Are you a parent, Samus?"

"I adopted a Metroid that also got murdered."

Robin inhaled sharply through his teeth, "Please tell me it wasn't by Ridley. That would really ruin the point I'm trying to make."

"No."

"Oh, thank Naga-"

"It was murdered by Mother Brain, you know, the assist trophy that randomly shows up in the middle of battles?" Samus's arms were already crossed, but she would have crossed them again if she could to emphasize her point.

"...Well, at least she's not a fighter…Time to pull out the big guns" Robin stood up from his chair and walk to Samus's side fo the desk "Anyway, sure, maybe he killed your parents. But you know who also killed parents?"

"...Who?" Samus asked, watching Robin with a careful eye as he turned around the chair next to her and sat on it backward.

"Me. That's right, your buddy Robin," said Robin, trying to be cool.

"We're not buddies," said Samus.

"Yet. Yes, I murdered my father, but sometimes fathers can be dicks, and who's to say that your father wasn't a dick, hm? I also, in a way, murdered Lucina's parents. It involved time travel, two versions of me, I'm a world-destroying dragon, you know, anime bullshit. And you know what she did? She married me, we have a child and her parents are still alive. Granted, she did threaten to kill me when she found out who I was, and I died, and those were two separate occasions, but my point is that maybe there could be forgiveness in your heart. That, instead of thinking of him as an enemy, you could think of Ridley as an opportunity." dished Robin.

"...Are you...are you suggesting I marry Ridley?!" exclaimed Samus.

"No! No...Wait, yes. No, don't do that. That's...Wow, that's a bit too far!" said Robin

"I knew this was a mistake. I should just kill him during lunch," said Samus, as she stood up, some action going on with her power cannon.

"Hey, nobody should die on Taco Tuesday!" Robin sighed. "OK, fine, yes, Ridley killed your parents and all, but have you considered the fact that it's weird that all of the people here from your world are your enemies? Ridley, Dark Samus, Mother Brain. Why aren't any of your friends here?"

"None of them are fighters, I guess," replied Samus, not turning toward the tactician.

"You can just say you don't have friends. I could tell based on everything about you. Have you considered that maybe you're not looking for a way to get rid of him? Maybe, just maybe, what you're really looking for is...a friend." Robin put a gentle hand on Samus's shoulder.

Samus looked at the hand, then back to Robin, then back at the hand.

"...You have no power to get rid of him, do you?" she realized.

"To be honest, he kinda scares me too," admitted Robin. Samus glared at his hand again, and he quickly removed it. "The other bad guys are bad, but at least they're sociable! I'm in a book club with Ganondorf. Bowser and I talk about our kids. King Dedede's...kind of a dick, but he has a good heart. K. Rool is...terrible, I hate him too, but at least you can talk to him! Why are all your villains so...evil?"

"I don't think you're supposed to have nice villains. Do you want me to make enemies with good people?"

"No, but like, maybe some redeemable qualities? What about that Adam guy? Could we confirm him for Smash or whatever?"

"Absolutely nobody wants that."

"But so many people wanted Ridley! And Dark Samus too, for less obvious reasons. Look, it's not my fault you're not from a world where the power of friendship saves the day more often then it should. The only representation from your world that isn't actively trying to kill you is just you with a laser whip and wearing less protection. My advice: Avoid him, I guess. Over eighty people live here, and we don't all have the same viewpoints."

"You're really saying I can't kill him? I've done it before. It didn't stick, I guess."

"Trust me, I know how fickle death is. I disappeared from existence for a solid fortnight after killing myself. Don't worry, the me I killed was an evil dragon, so it wasn't suicide. I think."

"So I'm not allowed to avenge my parents."

"I'm sorry. It would open a huge can of worms. Everyone here has someone else here they would love to beat the absolute shit out of outside of a match. You throw the first punch and all hell will break loose. I suggest a war of passive aggression."

"...How passive aggressively can I punch him in the face?" asked Samus.

"Depends on how careful you are."

"...Fine," said Samus. "I'll stay out of trouble. But if someone else starts a fight, I'm going for the throat."

"I respect that," said Robin.

"Who is it you would beat the shit out of?" asked Samus, as she got up to leave.

"I'll never tell."

"Fair. Hey, Isabelle." Samus said as she left. Isabelle happily waved at the leaving bounty hunter before entering the room.

"Robin! I'm ordering out for lunch! Do you want anything?" she asked

"A chicken wrap. Charge it to Corrin's card. I have it saved in my account. Also, can you tell him he has a match on Poké Floats?" replied Robin, pulling a book out of a drawer and starting to read it.

"Wasn't Poké Floats banned after The Incident?" asked Isabelle.

"Yeah, he doesn't have a match there, but make him go anyway. I want to see how long it take him to figure it out." Said Robin, laughing to himself.

"Alright…" She said, unsure.

"Oh yeah. Also, Isabelle? The time slot we reserved for Zero Suit Samus? Feel free to take a break. She's not coming twice, I guess." said Robin.

"Oh wow! Thank you, sir!" exclaimed Isabelle, and she skipped out of the room.

"...Maybe I just don't like reptiles? That checks out." reflected Robin.


	4. Bowser

"How's your daughter doing, Robin?" asked Bowser, pinching a tiny teacup between his claws.

"Oh, she's doing just fine. She's actually coming down to visit this weekend. I was a little hesitant about moving to a different universe then her, even if it is just for the time being. I think it's been good for her. She's really coming into her own." replied Robin, taking a sip of herbal tea.

"Yeah, they grow up so fast. It still feels like yesterday when Junior was just a hatchling, and now he's cooking up schemes on his own! Did you see him during that whole bunny thing? Yeah, I was a little upset with him at the time, but in hindsight, it's incredible he carried all of that on his own!"

"The Sunshine thing was impressive too. From what I know, you've never really manipulated local law, but your kid had them played like a fiddle. You know, sometimes I regret not being able to watch Morgan grow up, because of time travel nonsense, but I must have done a great job creating the woman she's becoming. Lucina and I aren't thinking of having any babies yet, but from what I can tell, there's something remarkable about it. I shudder to think what would happen if Junior and Morgan met up."

"What, like romantically? I know your girl is technically a princess, but I don't know if she'd be his type."

"Oh no, not like that, I mean as friends. Although Morgan has been having a little romantic trouble. She tried out some dating during the war, but all the people around her age were friends with her mom, and that was weird for her. It was a weird enough hurdle for me to go over with Chrom and Lucina, and I only did it because I was confident she was the one."

"That Lucina has some spunk! You sure did nab a good one there," said Bowser with a laugh.

"Yeah, I sure did." Robin paused. "So did you apparently."

"Oh, here we go. This is the whole reason you brought me here!" groaned Bowser in annoyance, although he didn't put the teacup down gently as to not break it.

"Bowser, don't be like that! You know I like talking to you, but you have to tell me where the princess is!" exclaimed Robin.

"If you want to rescue the princess, then you'll have to go through the traps I set up across seven worlds! That's how it's supposed to go!"

"I know that, and my assistant is dealing with them as we speak," replied Robin

"Hey dog lady!" shouted a Goomba from below Isabelle.

"Oh. hello, little guy!" exclaimed Isabelle, waving from her floating perch.

"You're supposed to be going through the officials! We got them all positioned and everything!" If the Goomba had arms, he would be gesturing the extravagant traps and bored-looking guards behind him.

"I am! I can't float forever, so I've been touching down," replied Isabelle, swinging her legs to propel herself forward on her balloon swing

"Yeah, on top of blocks! That don't count!"

"It counts enough for me! I am all about practical solutions! This princess has gotta be saved somehow!"

"Yeah and another thing! Where's Mario? My forehead's got a date with his shins!"

"I don't actually know. My boss said Mario had a lot on his plate."

"What about Green Mario?"

"Green Mario?"

"Yeah, uh, you know, that green guy that follows Mario sometimes?"

"Oh, Yoshi doesn't do this kind of stuff. And he's also taking a bit of a break from being ridden!"

"...I don't think that's who I meant, but I don't know enough about him to argue."

Robin opened up a tin of cookies and dunked one into his tea. "Bowser, buddy, what's going on here? Why would you kidnap someone when they're surrounded by the best heroes across the multiverse? I've managed to keep a lid on this, but when the others find out, it's going to be impossible to handle. You're gonna have heroes crawling up your ass trying to rescue that princess."

"It's just-It's just that it's so hard to meet people, you know?" said Bowser, grabbing a fistful of cookies and shoving them into this mouth.

"As someone who watched an entire army marry itself, trust me, I know."

"Yeah, but even then, you're all...Ok, look, I'm going to be real with you, and if you laugh, I'm going to bite your face off," said Bowser, trying to sound earnest through a mouth full of shortbread cookies.

"I promise it won't come to that."

"It's...hard meeting people when you look the way I do. Everyone you know is...pretty, I guess. Even the tough, rugged guys are pretty. And I'm not, and I feel like that's what people want. I mean, what kind of lady would want to be with a guy like me?"

Robin looked at Bowser, more surprised than anything. "Oh, buddy...you don't know, do you?"

"Don't know what?" asked Bowser/

Robin inhaled sharply and put his hands together in front of him. "Bowser, my man, my friend...Man, I gotta make a decision here. I didn't tell Isabelle because she's too pure, but if that's your concern it might actually help to let you know…"

"Tell me what? Quit being coy, punk!"

Robin sighed. "Bowser, buddy...I don't' know how to properly explain this to you, but long story short, there are, like, a surprising amount of people who would have you sit on them if you asked. People who want to explore the depths of the Koopa Kingdom. People who want to figure out what's going on under that shell, although there are more people who would prefer you with the shell on. They want them dry bones. They want to see just how Giga Giga Bowser can get. There was a brief period where the hotness of you and Peach was combined into one and it nearly broke the internet, to the point that Nintendo itself had to somewhat address porn without directly reference the porn."

"What's Nintendo?"

"It would be faster to explain porn. My point is there are plenty of people who are into what you got going on. The kind of people who were drastically disappointed by the ending of Beauty and the Beast, regardless of if they're furries or not."

"What's a furry?'

"Don't worry about it. You have to move on from Peach. She might not be the one for you. Not got get all How I Met Your Mother on you, but the universe has a plan, and you just have to put yourself out there. You gotta be Bowser on the streets, but King Koopa in the sheets."

"You're right! I will put myself out there! I'll find someone who likes me for me, and then I'll kidnap them!" Bowser pumped his fist in the air, a new determination filling his eyes.

Robin rubbed his temples. "...Ok, so that wasn't exactly my point, but it's in the right neighborhood. Now, Where is Peach."

"The basement."

"...What?"

"Yeah, I locked her in the basement. Mario was going to go all the way to my castle, only to realize that the Princess wasn't in a Castle at all! It's classic, and then he would come back here and we would have our final fight on Final Destination. Usually, when I kidnap the princess, there are always switches or weapons lying around the castle that Mario can use against me, so I wanted to fight him without any items, one-on-one! Ahahahah!"

"...A part of me really wants to unpack how you spent most of this time planning on how you would fight Mario instead of winning the princess over, but we made a lot of progress here already and I do not have the energy to get into this with you. Just let Peach go, and then, I dunno, we'll set up a dating profile for you?" asked Robin, as he picked up his tea.

"Should we let your assistant know that this thing is off? It might take a while for me to call off my men." Bowser asked, biting into a cookie.

Robin sipped his tea. "Oh, I'm sure she'll manage."

"Oh, I'm sorry Mario, but the princess is in another castle." Said the blue Toad to his savior.

"Oh, that's no problem! At least I got to rescue you too!" replied Isabelle with a warm smile.

"Wait, who are you?" Asked the confused Toad, who easily wiggled out of his restraints.

"My name's Isabelle, and I've here to save you!"

"Wow...Nobody has ever come for just lil old me…" said Toad, as he looked away bashfully.

"Just follow me and we can head right on back to somewhere safe!"

"What about all the monsters?" asked Toad, carefully following Isabelle through the lava-filled halls.

"Oh, they aren't all monsters! They're just different. You get to talking to them and you'll realize they all have their own personalities." said Isabelle, waving to some Koopa Troopas, who greeted her with a smile.

"And the ones who didn't want to talk?" asked Toad, as the approached a warp pipe.

A Piranha Plant burst out of the pipe, ready to attack the two. However, it took one look at Isabelle and, to the best of its ability, whimpered. The plant uprooted itself and, using its large head, wimpy leave, and twiglike stout, wiggled away, inch by inch.

"They all want to talk in the end."


	5. Donkey Kong

_This is just an edited and updated version of the DK chapter from Smash Cut, since I don't think I could top this idea. It's a very dumb idea, but it's wiggled it's way into my heart._

"Ah, you're finally here!" exclaimed Robin, as Isabelle let Donkey Kong in to his office.

"You better not have me here just to perform for you." said DK, seemingly out of nowhere.

"What?"

"Because I swapped out my final smash for a big punch! So many people have been asking me is I still play bongos!" exclaimed DK.

"I really wish you didn't have the cartoon voice…" muttered Robin to himself. "Isabelle, do you want to sit in for this one? You probably know the words I'm going to say to him, so you can join in too."

"That's kinda a weird way of wording it, but I think I'm good!" exclaimed Isabelle. "If you need me for anything, just put your hands together, or you can do it if you just want to clap!" She happily skipped out of the office.

"Alright, now that she's gone, take me through this monkey rap." said DK.

"DK." said Robin, looking through his files. "Donkey Kong….Ah! Here it is!" He pulled out a file with DK's name one it. "I did actually want to talk to you. People were happy to hear that Donkey Kong was finally here."

"I do have my fans." DK admitted. "I wanted to talk to you about my move-set and hopefully sell you on including some of the members of my crew in the tournament."

"That's not really something I can do. You'd have to bring up with the Hand. I understand what you're saying, though. You are the leader of bunch."

"I want to talk to you about my move-set, since, even though people know me well, I could kick even more tail."

"What are you thinking?"

"My coconut gun. You know, the one that fires in spurts?"

"Yeah. I see where you're coming from. However, when you shoot it, it really hurts. Too much, in fact. You'd be considered overpowered with that kind of weaponry."

"Bigger, faster, and stronger, too...I see what you mean. What about the other members of my crew? I'm only the first member."

"Who are you thinking?"

"Well, there's Tiny. She's got style and she can shrink down to fit her mood. No other fighter could change their size like that. Also, she can float and climb really well, so those would make great recovery skills."

"I feel like if we chose her, we would be choosing wrong."

"Very well. I'm just saying, with a skip and a hop, she's one cool Kong."

"...What a weird thing to say." commented Robin . "OK, who's next?"

"Well…There's Lanky…"

"Oh, don't get me started on Lanky! He's got no style, no grace, and, quite frankly, that Kong has a funny face!"

"He's my friend! Besides, he can do handstands, stretch out his hands, and inflate himself like a balloon!"

"Fine, fine. I'm still not considering him. How's Diddy?" Robin suddenly asked.

"Well, he's back again. About time, too, if you ask me."

"Where was he?"

"Well, he was in a bit of a mood, but he's over it now."

"You know, he can fly really high with that jet-pack on."

"He's one tough monkey with those pistols of his!"

"Kong."

"What?"

"He's one tough Kong, not one tough monkey."

"Right. Sorry. Finally, we get to the last member of the DK crew."

"Ah...Dixie Kong."

"No."

"Cranky Kong?"

"Nope."

"Candy Kong?"

"No."

"...Funky Kong?"

"No! Chunky Kong! He's so strong it isn't funny!"

"I bet he could make anyone cry out for mummy."

"He can pick up a boulder with relative ease. He makes crushing rocks seem like such a breeze."

"I understand your argument, but I don't think so. He moves slow and he can't jump high. Those are pretty essential to Smash."

"I suppose. Still, he's a hell of a guy. Anyway, could I suggest some items?"

"Sure. What do you have in mind?"

"Well, I'm going to take it to the fridge with this one. Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells, grapes, melons, oranges and coconut shells."

"...Those are just food items. DK, we already have those."

"Oh. Sorry. Well, I have to break it to the gang that they got shot down. Nice talking to you." said DK, leaving the office.

"...Oh yeah." said Robin, for no particular reason.


End file.
